I Am Going to Go Find Myself

After 8 years of wanting to try a bar method class… I did it… like I signed up a month ago, and I went today. I was so anxious last night just thinking about it. Who in the world do I think I am going to a class that focuses on strength, flexibility, and core? I have none of those things… and yet here I am out to reveal all this in a class with a bunch of people that I don’t know. And sure I have been to other classes before where they say work at your own pace, and everyone is an individual and focus on your own progress – only this time it MATTERS. Because well, this is ME. OR… AT LEAST I WANT IT TO BE.

Now, the universe has a sense of humor. I was supposed to arrive to class 15 minutes early as a new student. I gave myself an hour to get there and it should have been about a 25 minute commute. Well there was so much traffic and for no reason – no construction, no accidents, not even a stalled car. Just traffic for no reason. So I barely make it with my 15 minutes to spare but I get there. Then my friend who was supposed to meet me there – because yes I needed someone to hold my hand – well she does not make it to class because of this same “No reason traffic.” And the instructor… well she says she likes to put new students in the middle of the room. There goes my plan of being invisible.

And then my inner ballerina arrives. And after that happens, well nothing else really mattered. I was not always in the perfect position, my flexibility… while in need of work, actually surprised me. It is amazing what your muscles can do when they feel like themselves. My strength – well I have some! And my core… well it supported my like it woke up for the first time in years.

So if you have not heard of MeWe Mindfulness I would like to introduce you… it is, in part, why I have been absent for several weeks now. I realize that I only want to blog about what is extremely relevant. Because why would you spend your time reading this if it was not to help you or inspire you in some manner.

So I asked Dr. Maria Hunt if I could blog about our conversations with MeWe Mindfulness – partly because we are incorporating her work into our practice and mostly because YOU HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS NOW.

So obviously I cannot explain all the theory and principles in a single post which is why this is conversations with MeWe Mindfulness. The truth is that I am still learning what it means for me and how to use it and what adjustments I may need to make.

So HOWWWWWWWWWW DID I MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY?

I need to give you just a little background to explain how her approach to mindfulness is helping me to grow.

So let’s begin here.

I was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 9. That is when I stopped seeing myself as ME in the mirror.

I went through 2.5 years of treatment, relapsed, and had an unrelated bone marrow transplant. This this 23 years ago…

Well, when Dr. Hunt was discussing body and mind alignment with me the other day – I felt my body shift. I have not been in my body since my diagnosis. So I realized this disconnect would be enough to create an unrecognizable self in the mirror.

More simply, I am afraid to FEEL what I AM PHYSICALLY. This was an amazing technique when I was sick. I was kind of brilliant at it actually. A bad blood result or an infection did not so much matter to me because I did not associate with my physical self.

Once I was “healthy” and all was “well,” I continued to use this same strategy because of all the late effects and losses that would come to follow. Some losses were life changing and others just a struggle.

So 23 years ago, being alive after a bone marrow transplant was kind of a big deal… like a really big deal. So losing some flexibility or strength…not a big deal.

Only before diagnosis I considered myself an athlete… and while I was only 9, it was a significant part of my identity. After transplant, I did not know how to get any of my athletic feeling back- and since I did not feeling, I decided to just focus on all things mental.

Which brings me to HOW THIS ENLIGHTENMENT CAME TO BE…

So I have considered myself to have PTSD for the last 23 years… having more than enough of the symptoms. And then Dr. Hunt was talking about a study… and I am not going to lie I got a little lost. When the word PTSD was mentioned I became very guarded – it’s the only thing I have to explain myself – or so I thought. I came out of my guarded trance to hear something about inviting survivors to re experience themselves and what is new. And this is where I may have lost a lot of the language – but I felt like the point was to feel all the new feelings in a very non – threatening manner. What do I like about this and how is it different, is there anything that I do not like and how can I move into a space where I may like it more?

Sigh.

So that night I am folding sheets and it just fell on me like out of the sky.

And I suddenly saw the moment that had changed everything for me after my transplant. It was the reason I left my body. I just felt betrayed.

I was in my endocrinologist’s office and I was 14 or 15, I think. I was sitting on that really uncomfortable tissue paper, freezing, and looking at my doctor. She was sitting on round, rolling stool at a little half desk built into the wall. She was looking in my file when she said, “So I guess you know …”

And I just started crying… I think it was a silent cry. Like the kind where the tears just come and you cannot control it.

And she says… “It’s nothing to cry over, it’s just a scientific fact.”

And then I think I was just in shock. And that was when I realized that my body was just a scientific fact that I had no control over. That no matter how hard I tried to get it healthy or well, I had no control over my future.

That is what I thought… until I was like in my twenties and started doing a lot of my own research.

And this brings me to another point of discussion with MeWe Mindfulness.

YET

So in discussing body and mind alignment and exploring what is new and different about oneself – I made a seemingly insignificant comment when I said something like – Yeah it’s just going to be hard because I really don’t like how my body feels…

To which Dr. Hunt said, YET… to which I was like… wait what… and she very calmly repeated (with a smile, cause even on the phone you can tell), You don’t like how it feels… YET.

OKAY CHANGE MY WHOLE UNIVERSE IN ONE DAY?!?!

I mean I do tend to like to work quickly with insights and concepts that arrive for me. I will not try the same thing over and over again if it is not working. No thank you, no time to waste, bye bye.

So wait, WHAT?

I mean I love a good theory. They are fun to read about, think about, and even practice… but this was something that was working NOW. And I had not even done anything.

I had chills, the electrical system of my body turned on every signal as if to say – connected or not, we are not going to let you miss this one. I was hot and cold, hungry and full, confused and clear… all at the same time.

I love everything that I am learning about MeWe Mindfulness, and about myself, and I am only scratching the surface – but what I especially love right now is the functionality. It is not just a theory, and those are great too, but it is a living, breathing approach…

Well actually that sounds like a definition and I cannot define it. I guess at this moment, for me, it is faith in being. And maybe for some people that is easy. But if you have ever experienced PTSD or something like it – you will know what I mean.

You are anyone but who you knew. Other people will chose what they want to eat for lunch and you will wonder how they were able to do that. Was it really as easy as they made it seem? And you will excel at so much in life – maybe just not at picking out your own shirt.

Until that is… you realize you CAN align your body and mind, you WILL see yourself, and you may just not be there YET.