A Sketch of the Past

The past only comes back when the present runs so smoothly that it is like the sliding surface of a deep river. Then one sees through the surface to the depths. In those moments I find one of my greatest satisfactions, not that I am thinking of the past; but that it is then I am living most fully in the present. For the present when backed by the past is a thousand times deeper than the present when it presses so close that you can feel nothing else.

Virginia Woolf – A Sketch of the Past.
I can still remember the relief I felt when I read these words for the first time, the release of my rib cage as  I released years of breath caged in the walls of my own internal prison. Wellness is possible for me…. I felt it and experienced it in that moment – knowing that I too could experience the past as a beginning in my own present. As such, any past wound were part of my present healing… so with all my deficiencies and health risks, it did not matter.

So what may seem like a simple utterance is actually the foundation of holistic healing – that the whole of who you are is ever present and that treatment must include all experiences, all that is you. In and outside of time… every moment intrinsically existing to provide transformation.
 

SO THIS IS MY WITNESSING OF HOW HEALING TRANSPIRES, BECAUSE NARRATING THE MOMENTS OF BEING (another Virginia Woolf title) IS HOW THE GENUINE NATURE OF A MEMOIR IS BORN…. AN ACCOUNT OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCES FOR THE GREATER GOOD… OR AT LEAST THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG:  TO GIVE A SKETCH OF MY PAST TO PROVIDE AN ANATOMY OF TRANSFORMATION.

THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A HIGH SCHOOL NARRATIVE OF MY EXPERIENCE. WHILE THE NARRATIVE COULD BE MORE SOPHISTICATED, IT CAPTURES THE RAW NATURE OF THE REFLECTION I STILL REMEMBER WITNESSING.

I remember how she stared at me – the girl inside the mirror. I had awaited her presence long before her revelation in the glass. I felt her restriction in my physical deficiencies; the heaviness of lingering fatigue, the inability to breathe despite a strong will and my ceasing desire to nourish my body. She finally exposed herself through the sallowness of my bruise-covered skin and the expansion of my abdomen, enlarged and firm. I stood next to my bed and faced her while witnessing my disappearance with a numbing denial. I left the room, finally able to release myself from her hold.

But what does this narrative have to do with your wellness and why will the continuation of the narrative serve you in seeking your wellness goals? It is my belief that we each create our own path to restore our idea of healing – but we do not find this path without inspiration from those who have suffered/survived similiar experiences. I wanted to write this blog because I have read so many stories that have contributed to my own narrative.

My hope is for you to find something …. in any of the number of posts I write… that you can put in the back pocket of your body/mind until it serves a purpose for you in your life.

My past continues to run through my present/future…. as it should, but through these posts I will bring you up to date with meeting Phil, how that changed my life, and where I am now……..