Sing It Out Loud

I don’t have my own theme song yet… but I do want one. Well anyway… I guess I will borrow some of my favorite songs, but seriously how fun would it be to have your own theme song?

Well today I am very in the now… and also wanting to take things slow. Give myself time – which I do not always do. Which brings me to the MeWe conversation that I want to have today. Right now that it is.

I want to discuss Now Needs™, which is one of the first concepts I learned about from Dr. Maria Hunt, director of MeWe Mindfulness, LLC.

I believe one of my first comments after hearing about Now Needs™ was something like – you need to get this out NOW… I crack myself up.

So I think most of us are familiar with the concept of being present or staying in the current moment when it comes to mindfulness. But I always found this frustrating. Maybe I don’t want to be in this moment… so then what?

In the past, I had a very simple way of  disassociating when I needed.  I bring up the past because I would imagine we all have patterns… and some of my most trusty patterns developed during these years.

The moment I want to share was right before a spinal tap. My doctor asked me if I wanted to lie down, a routine to get into position before the procedure. Well on this particular day – I had a Now Need™.  I remember uttering something like do I WANT to lie down… no in fact I DO NOT WANT TO LIE DOWN. I was not angry… in fact I was not even sure that I said it out loud, but from the response of the room – I had. Fortunately it was funny. And of course, I still had to lie down… but I FELT so much better!!!!

I had a need to be heard, a need to voice a frustration – and even though I could not change the event – I felt better.

Not all Now Needs™ are that dramatic. I chose a dramatic one to illustrate that one moment can be experienced so entirely different. Many times I went into that same treatment feeling like my only escape was just to disappear and pretend nothing was happening – which of course did nothing to make me feel better.

Being in the moment is healing when you are authentic to yourself, you know what you need, and you honor that need. Because no offense but I don’t see how just being in the moment is better, unless you are doing something helpful. I used to feel the same way about the expression Time Heals... like in what universe?

In any given moment you can ask what you need. The alarm beeps in the morning and you need more sleep but you can’t press snooze –  maybe your Now Need™ is coffee, or a need to acknowledge you wanted more sleep – and that’s okay, or a motivation like a favorite song.

There is always a way to be authentic to yourself in any given moment… and that is Now Needs™ is to me.

And on this note, I think Now Needs™ can also be “now” as in a current focus – rather than in this exact moment. And my Now Need™ in a collective manner is to be authentic.

And well for me, that is to find my own rhythm. I am so tired of feeling like I should do something, or that I am pushing myself for my own good, or that if I keep forcing myself – I may eventually like something – when in fact, I just don’t.

I think in the healing field especially, it is such a challenge to know how much change a person can endure authentically and at what pace? Certainly we need to challenge ourselves and we need to continue to grow – but still, where is the driving motivation and is it authentic? And yes… that is a discussion I want to pick up next week.

Right now, I want to be my own theme song because it sounds fun – and until I know what that is… I will just borrow Fight Song and Shake It Off… thank you Rachel Platten and Taylor Swift… 🙂

I Am Going to Go Find Myself

After 8 years of wanting to try a bar method class… I did it… like I signed up a month ago, and I went today. I was so anxious last night just thinking about it. Who in the world do I think I am going to a class that focuses on strength, flexibility, and core? I have none of those things… and yet here I am out to reveal all this in a class with a bunch of people that I don’t know. And sure I have been to other classes before where they say work at your own pace, and everyone is an individual and focus on your own progress – only this time it MATTERS. Because well, this is ME. OR… AT LEAST I WANT IT TO BE.

Now, the universe has a sense of humor. I was supposed to arrive to class 15 minutes early as a new student. I gave myself an hour to get there and it should have been about a 25 minute commute. Well there was so much traffic and for no reason – no construction, no accidents, not even a stalled car. Just traffic for no reason. So I barely make it with my 15 minutes to spare but I get there. Then my friend who was supposed to meet me there – because yes I needed someone to hold my hand – well she does not make it to class because of this same “No reason traffic.” And the instructor… well she says she likes to put new students in the middle of the room. There goes my plan of being invisible.

And then my inner ballerina arrives. And after that happens, well nothing else really mattered. I was not always in the perfect position, my flexibility… while in need of work, actually surprised me. It is amazing what your muscles can do when they feel like themselves. My strength – well I have some! And my core… well it supported my like it woke up for the first time in years.

So if you have not heard of MeWe Mindfulness I would like to introduce you… it is, in part, why I have been absent for several weeks now. I realize that I only want to blog about what is extremely relevant. Because why would you spend your time reading this if it was not to help you or inspire you in some manner.

So I asked Dr. Maria Hunt if I could blog about our conversations with MeWe Mindfulness – partly because we are incorporating her work into our practice and mostly because YOU HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS NOW.

So obviously I cannot explain all the theory and principles in a single post which is why this is conversations with MeWe Mindfulness. The truth is that I am still learning what it means for me and how to use it and what adjustments I may need to make.

So HOWWWWWWWWWW DID I MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY?

I need to give you just a little background to explain how her approach to mindfulness is helping me to grow.

So let’s begin here.

I was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 9. That is when I stopped seeing myself as ME in the mirror.

I went through 2.5 years of treatment, relapsed, and had an unrelated bone marrow transplant. This this 23 years ago…

Well, when Dr. Hunt was discussing body and mind alignment with me the other day – I felt my body shift. I have not been in my body since my diagnosis. So I realized this disconnect would be enough to create an unrecognizable self in the mirror.

More simply, I am afraid to FEEL what I AM PHYSICALLY. This was an amazing technique when I was sick. I was kind of brilliant at it actually. A bad blood result or an infection did not so much matter to me because I did not associate with my physical self.

Once I was “healthy” and all was “well,” I continued to use this same strategy because of all the late effects and losses that would come to follow. Some losses were life changing and others just a struggle.

So 23 years ago, being alive after a bone marrow transplant was kind of a big deal… like a really big deal. So losing some flexibility or strength…not a big deal.

Only before diagnosis I considered myself an athlete… and while I was only 9, it was a significant part of my identity. After transplant, I did not know how to get any of my athletic feeling back- and since I did not feeling, I decided to just focus on all things mental.

Which brings me to HOW THIS ENLIGHTENMENT CAME TO BE…

So I have considered myself to have PTSD for the last 23 years… having more than enough of the symptoms. And then Dr. Hunt was talking about a study… and I am not going to lie I got a little lost. When the word PTSD was mentioned I became very guarded – it’s the only thing I have to explain myself – or so I thought. I came out of my guarded trance to hear something about inviting survivors to re experience themselves and what is new. And this is where I may have lost a lot of the language – but I felt like the point was to feel all the new feelings in a very non – threatening manner. What do I like about this and how is it different, is there anything that I do not like and how can I move into a space where I may like it more?

Sigh.

So that night I am folding sheets and it just fell on me like out of the sky.

And I suddenly saw the moment that had changed everything for me after my transplant. It was the reason I left my body. I just felt betrayed.

I was in my endocrinologist’s office and I was 14 or 15, I think. I was sitting on that really uncomfortable tissue paper, freezing, and looking at my doctor. She was sitting on round, rolling stool at a little half desk built into the wall. She was looking in my file when she said, “So I guess you know …”

And I just started crying… I think it was a silent cry. Like the kind where the tears just come and you cannot control it.

And she says… “It’s nothing to cry over, it’s just a scientific fact.”

And then I think I was just in shock. And that was when I realized that my body was just a scientific fact that I had no control over. That no matter how hard I tried to get it healthy or well, I had no control over my future.

That is what I thought… until I was like in my twenties and started doing a lot of my own research.

And this brings me to another point of discussion with MeWe Mindfulness.

YET

So in discussing body and mind alignment and exploring what is new and different about oneself – I made a seemingly insignificant comment when I said something like – Yeah it’s just going to be hard because I really don’t like how my body feels…

To which Dr. Hunt said, YET… to which I was like… wait what… and she very calmly repeated (with a smile, cause even on the phone you can tell), You don’t like how it feels… YET.

OKAY CHANGE MY WHOLE UNIVERSE IN ONE DAY?!?!

I mean I do tend to like to work quickly with insights and concepts that arrive for me. I will not try the same thing over and over again if it is not working. No thank you, no time to waste, bye bye.

So wait, WHAT?

I mean I love a good theory. They are fun to read about, think about, and even practice… but this was something that was working NOW. And I had not even done anything.

I had chills, the electrical system of my body turned on every signal as if to say – connected or not, we are not going to let you miss this one. I was hot and cold, hungry and full, confused and clear… all at the same time.

I love everything that I am learning about MeWe Mindfulness, and about myself, and I am only scratching the surface – but what I especially love right now is the functionality. It is not just a theory, and those are great too, but it is a living, breathing approach…

Well actually that sounds like a definition and I cannot define it. I guess at this moment, for me, it is faith in being. And maybe for some people that is easy. But if you have ever experienced PTSD or something like it – you will know what I mean.

You are anyone but who you knew. Other people will chose what they want to eat for lunch and you will wonder how they were able to do that. Was it really as easy as they made it seem? And you will excel at so much in life – maybe just not at picking out your own shirt.

Until that is… you realize you CAN align your body and mind, you WILL see yourself, and you may just not be there YET.

NUTRITION… YOU + FOOD

This is my adorable nephew who just loves to cook!!! Yes his mama is teaching him right! Today Luke and I are going to share a recipe with you that is easy, fun, and yummy. The dish we are sharing with you is a chicken and pasta favorite – though he is pictured making a side salad. Luke is all about a complete meal.

CHICKEN AND PENNE PASTA

4 – 6 Servings

• 4 chicken breasts
• Two 28 oz cans of stewed tomatoes (or fresh and stew yourself)
• 2 Tbsp of minced garlic
• 2 Tsp of basil
• 2 Tsp of paprika
• 1/4 Tsp to 1/2 Tsp of Cayenne pepper (to your taste)
• 1/4 Tsp to 1/2 Tsp of red paper flakes (to your taste)
• One 8 oz box of pasta (I use a brown rice pasta)

Chicken and pasta sauce

1. Turn  stove top burner on low/medium heat and add the two cans of stewed tomatoes
2. Add the garlic, basil, paprika, cayenne pepper and red pepper flakes
3. Let the sauce simmer on medium heat for about 10 minutes
4. Add the chicken breasts
5. Continue cooking on medium to low heat depending on time until meal must be ready… this could easily be a slow cooker meal if needed.
6. Chicken will start to separate naturally as it cooks – make sure there is no pink and that the chicken is completely cooked before serving!

Penne Pasta

1. Cook according to directions depending on the pasta you choose 🙂
2. Serve in a shallow bowl with a scoop or two of the pasta and chicken on top the bed of penne pasta

One of the things I love about this recipe is its adaptability. I would consider this a really amazing base recipe though it also tastes amazing on its own. That said, you could add vegetables of your choice and you can individualize the pasta choice. If you want a thicker sauce you can always add some pureed vegetables. In picking out your stewed tomatoes, just look for a brand that is low in sugar and does not have any artificial additives or preservatives. If you are making this dish for kids or simply prefer less kick, you may want to go lighter on the cayenne pepper and red pepper flakes or eliminate them all together. Another love I have for this dish is how easy it all comes together… your house will smell like you have been cooking for hours within a few minutes. Plus this dish is light enough for summer but also has enough “comfort” for the winter months.

The reason we believe NUTRITION is YOU + FOOD is because we realize there is a lifestyle component to nutrition. We will always bring you nutritious recipes that take into account your busy life style. We understand the desire to be healthy and the necessity to be on-the-go. Stay tuned for more nutritious tips and recipes in our NUTRITION… YOU + FOOD posts.

Rain, Rain Go Away…

Stella was very amused with herself yesterday as she sang this very popular song over and over and over… she never tired of singing in every note imaginable. I was also amused and it had me thinking – what do I wish would “go away”?

And like a lightning bolt… it hit me. 🙂

The pressure of all this balancing! It is so exciting to live in a time where there is a wealth of information in a constant flux – all at your fingertips, but at what cost?

I love to hear all the enthusiasm shared by others in their quest for their own sense of balance. Most of the time it is very encouraging… even inspiring.

Until that moment. Yes, until that moment in the day when I realize I forgot to plan a healthy snack for my toddler and while normally she has an aversion to food she is suddenly hungry right now! And of course I have read all the blogs on how to avoid such a situation by preparing food and freezing it, labeling everything for the week, or several other brilliant ideas. Nevertheless in this moment I have FAILED… AGH.

So it occurred to me that I need to simplify all the plans I need to make for nearly every moment of the day… and instead of trying to predict and manage all such needs – maybe I can look at 4 main areas and just start there. They are not written in stone and can of course change, but sometimes you just need a foundation.

These are the areas of functional wellness (healthy balance) we will look at… all of course to be combined with the humor and wit that is my life with Stella.

• Sleep well
• Eat well
• Move well
• Feel well

There are several other elements of balance – I am looking at the basics… a foundation. Within each of these areas are emotions and social connections.

So I think I will do like Stella, sing my song, put on my rain boots, and jump in the biggest puddle I can find!

Just Relax… AGAIN?

Is it just me or do you cringe when you hear the word JUST…??? It is as though that one single word can simply remove all the resistance we have (in the history of our cells) and automatically release the tension we have to the word that follows. Don’t get me wrong. I wish it was that easy. And sometimes it is.

So certainly the emerging or rather emerged heroine of my life lessons seems to be Stella. We recently returned from an amazing vacation and so many things became clear to me on this 9 day pardon from daily life.

Perhaps most interesting to me was that I felt so much vitality even though our days were longer and much more active. I had anticipated needing a vacation from our vacation upon returning and yet other than the day of travel, I really never felt exhaustion.

That said, I realize that on vacation you are “away” from a lot of daily challenges and yet I found myself so energized that I was in a state of disbelief at times.

Then I started thinking of the idea that like begets like… and I think sometimes I am so afraid of being burnt out that I reserve too much energy. And of course there are those days that exhaustion is inevitable – not gonna lie.

Still, children amaze me – they are not afraid to “crash and burn” and of course most of that comes from the fact that they are safe to do so… they won’t have tons of laundry to catch up on or a pile of dishes waiting but still… it kept me thinking.

Starting at 8 am Stella went down the water slide repetitively till lunch.. and with a fast moving line – this was at least a hundred times. Mind you I said before lunch. We did it again after lunch.

She made two really good friends during this process – two sisters around 10 and 12 I would say. There were also over a dozen other children who would pass us and tell Stella hi – by name – in the pool. It did not surprise me that she had introduced herself and made waiting in line a social party of sorts – but it did surprise me that so many children wanted to come and play with her.

Then I realized that same energy that is often exhausting and draining at home was magnetizing and inspiring in her element.

Different sides of the same coin – hmmmm. So now that we are home I am thinking – of course it will not always be possible, but I need to think of ways to express more of that energy in her – not less. Sometimes you have to add not subtract to achieve a balance.

Maybe it is the same with ourselves… maybe you need more of something to feel energized. I thought I would be mentally and physically exhausted with Stella’s activity level on this trip, but it gave me more energy and made me feel more relaxed… so the next time she says AGAIN?? I am going to pay attention… and flip that coin….

Looking Forward, While Watching from Behind…

“Oh wow… now this will work…” Stella says as she wedges a large exercise ball between two bean bag chairs – bounces off the ball, and leaps towards her gymnastics bar!

Anyway, I was beginning to hear that statement a lot and I was curious where she learned it – until I realized how often I found myself making the same statement.

For me wellness is a functional concept. And I guess functional problem-solving is something I enjoy.

Like in this picture above, it is so much easier to observe children problem solve – maybe because we are more observant of them than we are of ourselves.

Still, in practicing mindfulness – we can reach those moments when we hear our intuition say “Oh… now this will work.”

In thinking about what “will work” for me – I am shedding that which does NOT work for me anymore, such as:

• Clearing out all clutter and chaos from the house
• Cleaning the fridge and pantry of foods that my body dislikes
• Detoxing through ionic foot bath cleanses
• Purifying through infrared blanket therapy
• Balancing with some Kombucha tea

These are therapies that are working for me right now and I pay attention to when shifts or changes arise.

The title of this post is from a collection of poems I wrote in high school. I was reminded of it in this photo. For some reason it reminds me of problem-solving… sometimes you have to keep moving forward with the problem, even if you are still watching from behind and catching up with it. Let the momentum be and the rest will follow.

So, find what you are motivated to do because that is where your intuition is telling you to start – and that is where your energy to move will be – and so “it will work.”

Ebb and Flow…

I remember playing soccer in the backyard with my dad – running drills, passing, dribbling.

I already loved the sport but it was his understanding of the game that made me passionate about soccer. I was not much to reckon with at the time, fairly petite, but he told me soccer is a mental sport… and you have to be ready for anything.

And so I learned, very young, that I had the strength to move mountains… as long as I was ready for the opportunity.

And ready I was…. that was something of a natural habit for me. I could see so many outcomes playing out simultaneously and how to respond or rather initiate the play that took hold.

So believe it or not, but this is the memory that came to me the other day when I was trying to pack for an upcoming trip. I guess you could say I am also know for being a little indecisive.

Anyway, it was at this moment … this moment –

that I stopped berating myself.

Maybe all the years that I focused on indecisiveness  – MAYBE I WAS JUST READY FOR ANYTHING.

And I have to say, perhaps God gave me this specific strength because I have needed it in my life. The strength of being flexible. And when I say flexible I will admit I am not a ‘go with the flow’ kind of person, though that would be nice.

This is a different nature of flexibility. For example, I am not a planner. The moment I attempt to write down what I am to do and how and when – the ebb and flow begins.

And I find a stream that works and patterns itself into a movement that is stronger than where I started… and this is fine with me because… I AM READY FOR ANYTHING.

This is a tremendously helpful strength in my life. That said, there are times in life when you just need to eat breakfast and know what that is going to be. So certainly every strength lives on a continuum and has its peak moments.

So without being too cliche – I think if we look where we are “stuck” in our lives or in a particular moment… you may find that it is your strength… not a weakness keeping you there. And if you understand it for what it it is – it may be easier to find movement.

I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. And I honestly think –  if we can be aware and mindful of how those strengths play into our lives… then we can understand what we are working with – towards body and mind wellness.

It sounds strange, but I really think that lesson from my dad telling me to BE READY FOR ANYTHING was God’s way of helping to prepare me for my diagnosis. And I have talked about the lessons from my mom in being an artist. That in art there are no mistakes and that I can create anything.

So I probably came off a little too strong at times… being 9 and thinking that with God all things are possible… but then, It  does not mean it’s easy. It just is.

So as we keep moving closer to this idea of wellness and what it means – I think we have to understand our strengths.

Sometimes doing something… such as eating right or exercising – just because we should, will keep us going for awhile. But by understanding our own goals and motivations… we can create something that will be more flexible with the ebb and flow that is our daily lives.

For me, being ready for anything – whether it’s moving a mountain or being inspired to create – is where I needed to start. Knowing that I can choose a place to begin and if it changes course… that is okay too. That it is not a matter of being indecisive – it is an openness to opportunity, to blessings – I guess to life itself.

You make me happy…

So I felt like I wanted to continue from last night’s post. Well here is the thing about TIME and WELLNESS and MINDFULNESS – for me… and the way they weave into a beautiful warmth.

I feel it most through the loveliness of IMAGINATION. It is something we can tend to forget about and yet it is always there.

Growing up, with my mom as an artist, I feel like this was something I used quite naturally and very often – as most children do. I soon realized that with intention and practice – it involved more than just drawing rainbows and butterflies. I think I realized that in order to move into something I wanted – like remission, I had to SEE IT, FEEL IT, AND KNOW IT. And… that required A LOT of imagination. Because while the body/mind remembers wellness… it can also forget its sensations.

And so after survival… whether from an actual life and death experience… or that of a toddler tantrum (okay feels like life and death at times..lol) I always imagine moving into that space of balance before I actually get there.

And so it is different for everyone… but when I am looking at the very intriguing “How To” articles in this world… I feel like my gut reaction is to wonder, but is that possible for me? I know we have super powers and we are supposed to be able to do everything – but also, it is somewhat freeing to think we can use our intuition and imagination to navigate into a wellness that may work most for us.

That is – maybe “five minutes to a [blank]” will work for you and not for someone else. So when I am looking to help myself or a client, I feel like, well – where is the imagination… where does it tell you to go?

I feel like functional wellness is where I am at right now. What can I take home and use. Will it fit into my lifestyle? Am I able make TIME for it? Not just because I need to, or want to – but is it available? Something always is… we may just have to use our imagination to find it and our intuition to trust it.

You are my sunshine…

TIME… I feel like that keeps coming up for me this week…………….. In every aspect of my life –

and I wonder, well, what am I supposed to do with that? Oh how those seconds and moments continue to shift.

What is this blog all about anyway? Well, I truly believe everything happens for a reason, even though most the time… I am not exactly sure what that is. Still, I have quite a history and while I have never really known its purpose – I feel like it is coming up in new and unexpected ways.

So I figure – maybe it’s the uncertainty of a soul, the ponderings of myself, and the experiences of an individual that will form some fractal of a composite that IS– an honest search for wellness in the everyday – with all its excitement and wonder.

I am in awe of life. Truly.

So… getting back to this idea of TIME. This is not a new focus of mine – just something I am very aware of this week.

I did not think about the concept of time very often as a child… not until around age 9 that is. And it’s not just a constant awareness of time like the way the minutes circle a clock. It’s a real, true, deep awareness of time.

The only way I can think to explain it is in an excerpt from what I wrote about then – how it felt in the moment:

My intuition guided my attention to stillness, as it rested on my tongue like dust upon an overlooked rug. Stillness, as I perceived, convened above chaos. Still… the light filtered through the mesh screen of my window and dissipated its particles via the glass panes and settled upon the blinds, forming shadows of grayness. Still… the light reached, and wondered towards my bed. Still… I internalized – nothing. Still…and the mirror disclosed a filtration of its own will.

What is the connection between WELLNESS AND TIME? So often I feel like I do not have time to take care of myself the way that I should – enough exercise, nutrition, vitamins etc. And yet I had sooooooooo much time when I was fighting for my life. So much time that it was almost overwhelming.

The moment like I described was only one layer of a moment. Within that same moment – my I.V. was beeping, and my doctors were begging me to eat, and a nurse was hanging more chemotherapy, and construction was active outside my window, and the play therapist was asking me what art project I was working on, and clergy were patiently waiting their turn to visit, and the walls were humming with their own busyness.

I guess to put it simply. I am not one to rush into things. So when thinking of the purpose of this blog – I felt like it needed a history. A beginning and an end before it even starts. Perhaps that is because in healing and reaching for wellness – there is often a loss. Not always… but certainly for me.

And so when I think of where the journey toward wellness began for me – I guess it started with time. How I moved in and out of it accordingly.

I was never one to skip ahead in a book. And so I guess with this blog… I will begin with ONCE UPON A TIME and HERE WE ARE NOW.

Little Red Cardinal

So maybe this makes sense. Maybe it does. Not like I haven’t believed it for most of my life… but then when you don’t feel something… how can you know it?

Healing has been my journey, my hobby, my work, and my passion. It’s been my now and then and the ebb and flow of most moments.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that “no” or “you can’t do that” or “that’s can’t happen” is not a final answer for me. And maybe that is because of my past. Or maybe I was born that way – or maybe a little of each.

It hasn’t always been the popular or easy thought.

It’s just that once you beat a set of odds – that the rules say you shouldn’t – it is hard to put yourself in a box of limitations and feel like you belong there.

That’s not to say I haven’t felt the edge of my comfort – it’s just to say that if I feel there is still room to grow then I will find more strength.

And so what makes sense to me now – that I can feel and therefore know… Is that sometimes you have to trust what you experience. Even if no one else can see it.

Because maybe, just maybe. You were meant to share that with the world.